By Joshua Skye on January 3, 2014

“Sick and perverted always appeals to me.” - Madonna

Sex is a universally popular topic, one few seem to tire of. From the mundane to the bizarre to the just plain hysterical, it spans the proverbial gamut. Countless books have been written on the subject, including the morbidly fascinating Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices by Brenda Love. Every year there’s a bevy of bizarre headlines about strange incidents of sexual activity, and 2013 was no exception. Here’s the year in review…

“Here’s a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.” - Tallulah Bankhead

10. The Cheeseburger-Sandal Sex Scandal

After having an inebriated liaison in a Waffle House parking lot, a woman attempted to put a cheeseburger on her foot as though it were a sandal. Police responded to a report of indecent behavior only to be amused by the silly antics of a very intoxicated Rachel Gossett. Along with her amorous partner  Frank Lucas, Gossett was cited for public drunkenness and loitering.

9. Fossilized Fornicating Froghoppers

A fossilized pair of fornicating froghoppers was found in northeastern China dating back to the Jurassic period. It is the latest discovery in the ongoing study of the mating habits of extinct insects. As preserved, their sexual position was missionary style, that is belly to belly.  If you weren’t aware the scientific study of the sexual activities of ancient insects was even a thing, you’re not alone. The study tells us, however, that the evolution of insect sex is significant in understanding our modern ecosystems.

8. Desert Bug Gang-Bang

Entomologist Dino Martins witnessed a rare event in Northern Kenya back in November. While photographing bees, he noticed a strange dance on the sand at his feet and turned his attention downward. He captured on film the mating habits of “bizarre scale insects,” which included copulating with multiple partners.

“I’m asexual, though occasionally I’m attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.” - Jarod Kintz

7. My Beautiful Land Rover

In September a drunken Daniel Cooper was caught on CCTV stripping down and grinding gears with a blue 4×4 Land Rover Discovery parked outside of a fast food restaurant. His inebriated amorous activities also included the ground and the counter inside the restaurant.  He claims he doesn’t remember a thing.

6. The Love Seat

In June, Gerard Streator was sentenced to a lifetime ban on pornography after being caught having sex with a couch left on the side of the road.

“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” - Woody Allen

5. The Live Tweet Vibrator Extraction

Tweeting live our life experiences is nothing new, but every once in a while it becomes a surreal view into private lives we just can’t help but get caught up in. A man, apparently unashamed of his particular brand of self-pleasure, openly tweeted about losing a vibrator in his rectum and his subsequent trip to the ER. The illustrious journalists at Jezebel called the man’s candor “charming.” Would you?

“Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?” - Marquis de Sade

4. The Horseman Baby

Texan Andrew Mendoza became disgruntled when he didn’t hear from his girlfriend one night early 2013 and vowed to take his warped frustrations out on the neighbor’s horse. Mendoza was quite forthcoming with officers. His candid confession was graphic as he detailed his activities. It also became surreal as he explained, “I was trying to make the horse have a baby. I was thinking it would have a horseman baby.”

“Sex should be friendly. Otherwise, stick to mechanical toys, it’s more sanitary.” - Robert A. Heinlein

3. Robot Handjobs

Kotaku reports that at the Oculus Rift Game Jam in Japan, a sex simulator was unveiled. Utilizing the Oculus Rift headset, the “player” is immersed in a virtual sexual experience complete with physical sensations provided for by a Novint Falcon controller operating a Tenga masturbation sleeve.

“Good sex is like good bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” - Mae West

2. Masturbation Showdown

37 year old Andrew Frey reportedly fought off 15 cops while he was masturbating in an Oregon bar. Supposedly high on methamphetamines, Frey was able to keep over a dozen authorities at bay while loitering around Iggy’s Bar & Grill with his genitals exposed, pleasuring himself. He was tasered multiple times to no avail. Frey claims he has no recollection of the incident.

1. Dinosaur Erotica

This past year saw the emergence of dinosaur porn. “Taken by T-Rex” by Christie Sims and Alara Branwen is but one of several pieces of speculative erotica to have emerged on the scene taking the literary world by storm, or so claims a few of the adamant fans. Laura Beck of Jezebel calls the tales “amazing” and “delightfully disturbing.”

Little can be said to satisfactorily conclude such a list, so I leave you with one last quote…

“I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.” - Jarod Kintz

*All artwork used is copyrighted by their respective creators.